The Christmas Policeman. That’s me. Christmas Tree Decoration Day is a day of hazards. A potential minefield of emotional outbursts and year long grudge holding.
Apart from the obvious stress the Christmas Police Person is under, there are the deputies…who just won’t play nice. An anxiety inducing mix of genuine critisism, wrestling near the tree, complaints, dobbing in, and serious political incorrectness pock-marks my otherwise blissful Christmas decorating spree with the family.
As I sink back in on the lounge and watch my teenager squabble over the tree decorating, all I can think is “he’s hanging those red ones too close.” That’s OK, when they nick off I’ll switch them around.
The Christmas Tree Protocol looks something like this….
1. Bend the branches so they look like a real tree. (Ours isn’t) and you’d better have dusted it last year!!
2. The lights have to go on first, spaced evenly of course – slightly against the rules that you have 3 plugs all going into one powerboard, …into another powerboard.
3. Don’t put similar coloured decorations next to each other. Honestly!
4. I’m all for sentimentality but more than 4 tacky salt dough or cardboard & pasta decorations is more than enough.
5. Big decorations down the bottom, lighter ones up higher.
6. Reserve ‘front’ spots for the best decoration, especially my favourite.
7. Hide Mr. Hanky (of Christmas Pooh fame) on the BACK – I won’t be embarrassed like last year.
8. Ensure everyone, including your husband, hangs at least one decoration and has Fun doing it.(and then readjust to your liking).
9. Golden bead strings go on last.
10. Don’t abscond before the job is finished.
11. dont’ eat ALL of the Christmas sweets while you’re doing this. Seems simple enough.
It never is.
This is how it sounds:
*That’s my chocolate.
*That’s where I was going to put my bauble.
*That’s too high.
*You moved my thing.
– Number one gets bored and sets up a time lapse video, goes and gets dressed in a suit. ??
* I KNOW how to put a decoration on, Mum.
*get out of my way.
*Why do you always have to have the same ‘favourite’ as me?
*Do you want us to do it, or not?
*I know all the reindeer – ‘Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Cancer, Vixen…”
*You’re a moron.
-Bored one changes from suit to his Tiger Onesie.
*put the box on the table, you keep kicking it.
*Ouch, stupid old hangers.
*Don’t call me a dickhead.
*Why can’t the Christmas pooh be on the front.
*It’s too bright in here.
*It’s too hot in here.
-Bored one ditches the onesie and puts on Farmer Joe outfit complete with rake. Can’t see the Christmas theme there at all….it’s apparently for the time lapse…???
*I want to play Runescape instead.
*HE put the star on last year.
*Can I put the a Pokemon on instead of the star?
*I hate those idiot christmas singers.
*Shutup mum, stop being so bossy.
Both bored now, they get dressed in their karate gee’s with black belts…and begin sparring next to the precious vintage deco’s I’m about to put on….aaaaaghhh.
*He’s had 4 chocolates and I’ve only had two.
*When’s dad coming home?
*When YOU were in 2nd Class you couldn’t spell. Else you wouldn’t have written ‘Santer’.
*He’s taken the whole front of the tree.
*Well you have all the prime positions over there.
*Dickhead, retard, ar$ehole….” (me) “Boys! stop swearing’ I won’t have swearing in my house, especially around the Christmas tree…….”
I haven’t got a solution to this one. The obvious thing that comes to mind is do it myself. Nup. That would be no fun at all. 😀