Car names are Stupid.

Why, in the name of Creation, would the Kia Board of Directors call a car the “Pregio?” Seriously?  They’re a van, for those who don’t know, and NO self respecting tradie  will visualise himself in a van that sound and looks like it’s up the duff.  It COULD be a delivery van for BabyCo or Babies R Us.   (Pursing lips…..”Preg-io”)   It doesn’t SOUND fast, comfy, strong or reliable.  It sounds fat and slow, and waiting to expel it’s contents all over the Motorway.    Ewwww.   I’m not sure why dumb car names bug me so much.
Nubira.  Another stupid name.  Every time I saw one I thought of a ‘newbie Nubian slave’ as politically incorrect as that may be.  Thankfully they’re out of production the last 10 years.

I’m not adverse to the alliterative names…they’re pretty catchy…Ford has plenty, Falcon, Fairmont, Festiva, Fiesta, Focus…and I loved the old name Laser (why did they drop it???) though I admit that boxy, blunt hatchback never looked like it was shooting along a line of stimulated photons… more like a zippy little refrigerator.
Toyota had a bit of a “C” theme going there for a while – Crown, Corona, Corolla, Camry, Celica, Cressida  all decent, upstanding citizen type names.   Then they go muck it up with Toyota Altezza (sounds like a frizzy , bad hair day) and Aristo (beware the long beared, grey haired Aristotle type at the wheel),  Toyota Noah?? (far from being ark-like this mini van of non-biblical proportions can only carry 7-8 people – who are ya gonna leave behind when the big rains come?…. that’s not very compassionate, it should at least come with an inflateable raft)   and what’s with the Rukus ??  For owners with children prone to sugar highs and pit bulls?  There’s the Spacia (like what must have been in their skulls at the time of deliberation). Ah Toyota, it can only improve from here.

Below: the pooey Daihatsu Scat (the brown one of course) , the expecting Pregia, a yellow Daihatsu Wake, (go on, feel sorry for it, they even made it yellow to go with the Ugly Duckling look), bottom left is the Toyota Noah and the flying fridge, the Ford Laser.

Maybe Mitsubishi marketers are all too young to remember 1986, which  may explain why they called one of their vehicles the Mitsubishi Challenger.  There would be no way I’d put any fuel into that thing…. not without testing every single washer, valve, hose and O ring on the unfortunately named vehicle.
But the booby prize goes to Daihatsu. Did they actually sell any of the foecally named  Daihatsu Scat !!??? (Known as a Taft in some markets, it’s almost as Daft). Rolling advertisement – Here I am, a piece of sh… on wheels!!  I bet they were all brown.
…but the best one has got to be the Daihatsu Wake.  Well done Daihatsu – not only possibly the most unattractive vehicle ever produced it is also the most pathetically  named. What were they thinking? Cheers and RIP to the memory of the old gal…she was a sub-par vehicle at best, ugly enough to frighten a police horse, and we won’t miss her.  That’s if anyone turns up to the funeral at all.

Doomsday Preppers no doubt love their Land Rover Defenders, Jeep Wranglers and Renegades – they sound dependable and strong, and worthy enough to carry the seed-bank through any Armageddon type disaster.  A Civic, Townace, City, Cruze, Vacationer, Metro  may sound a little ‘a la surburbia’  but at least they pre-empt your requirements.  Perhaps someone will make a ‘Soccer‘ SUV?

The coolest car names ever have to be the Corvette Stingray (Corvettes are small warships), the Ford Thunderbird,  Dodge’s Magnum and Viper, the Jensen Interceptor – what a ripper! The Lamborghini Diablo…the Devil incarnate,  The Pontiac Firebird ,  Rolls Royce’s Phantom, Ghost and Shadow – what classic names, Shelby Cobra….. you get the idea…poison, speed, evil.

Prestige has a little to do with it.  Ferrari and Lamborghini could probably call their models ‘Ferrari 458 Cheesecake’ and ‘Lamborghini Cellulite” and they’d  still sell like hot cakes, in fact they’d be gold plated, fur lined collector’s items in no time.  But many other car companies don’t have the luxury of ….well…    Faced with an ever growing lineup of models and series and sub-series and sub-sub-series, Car manufacturers seem to be under the pump trying to catch our attention ……..and have run out of astrophysical phenomena to name the cars….so they just make up dumb words.

You have to give the old Datsun company (120Y 200B, 240Z, 260C etc), Mercedes and Mazda some credit for their lovely, orderly, numerical lists… Mazda 2, Mazda 3,….(wonder where Mazda 1 is, possibly it’s microscopic).  It would make it so much easier if all companies did this.  “I’ll take the #3 in a red.”   Easy peasy.  End of story.





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