It’s been a tough week. Got to get my chuckle for the week to lighten up, and here it is. Many years ago, I read an hilarious comparison on How Women Shower v How Men Shower. Here’s my updated version with more than a few tweaks.
- Take off clothing and place it in laundry according to lights and darks. Place
handwash only, favourite knit top behind the laundry basket so your son does not see it and think it would make an excellent Car Waxing Rag.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown drawn tightly around you. If you see your boyfriend or husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Turn off two lights and shut the open screen door along the way. Note to self that sons must be downstairs on PlayStation since the floor is vibrating and you can hear an AK47 Assault Rifle firing somewhere in the house.
- Once in the bathroom, turn on the fan, the heat lights, unwrinkle and straighten the bath mat to ensure a dry floor. Put away the hairdryer, left there by Teenager, that is dangling precipitously next to the sink. Still plugged in. Sigh at the toothpaste on the mirror.
- Weigh yourself. Make a note to weigh before breakfast and after the toilet next time. It might be more satisfactory. Tell yourself Weetbix can weigh a lot.
- Look at your shape in the mirror. Sigh again. Make a mental note to definitely do the situps, lunges, squats, core and
cardiac… cardio exercises that you promised yourself to start last month. Mentally calculate the calories in mouthwash. Look for signs of cellulite. Grimace. Examine your face wrinkles. Sigh, and scrabble around in your ‘creams’ drawer to find that Caffeine infused, Intensive, Anti-Aging, Antioxident, Clinically Proven, No Animal Testing, Illuminating, Soothing, Black Tea Gel, Anti-Wrinkle Cream to apply after the shower. Remind yourself that 15ml cost $65 and it will be worth every cent.
- Extricate the Exit Mould and Bathroom Sparkle out of the cupboard and put them on the bath edge. Carefully, pick your way through hairs They have dropped on the floor,(eeeewwwww), to the shower, and turn it on. Open the bathroom window to help with the steam and get into the shower.
- Use a face cloth, long loofah, pumice stone, and nail brush, shaking them off carefully after use and replacing them in position to dry. Note sons’ 4 various washes and soaps received at Christmas, all with 3cm used, and all with lids open and decide to ‘speak to them about it.’
- Wash hair with Cucumber and Sage Strengthening shampoo for Coloured hair with 43 added vitamins and rinse. Wash again to make sure it’s clean.
- Condition your hair with Grapefruit, Mint and Basil conditioner, enhanced with Moroccan Argan Oil and leave on your hair for 10 minutes.
- Meanwhile, spray the shower, tiles and glass door with Exit Mould and Shower Sparkle. Check the window is open widely as you choke slightly on the fumes. Congratulate yourself on a clever idea as the runoff is also bleaching your heels and soles cleaner than clean. Try not to slip base over apex in the shower.
- Wash your face with Crushed Apricot and Avocado scrub until it’s red. Avoid the delicate eye (wrinkles) area.
- Wash the entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake gel wash. Notice it seems MUCH emptier than last time you used it, and wonder WHY they have to use that, when they have those 4 almost full bottles of Lynx and Old Spice body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair and examine hair on legs. Debate the cost of shaving V cost of waxing. Shave armpits and legs. Note that shaver is bluntish and full of stubble…someone has been using it on their chin. ERgh. Decide to get bikini area waxed.
- Squeal when someone in the house turns on the kitchen tap and you lose the hot water for a few seconds. Throw water and rinse off the de-moulded and sparkling surfaces and turn off the shower. Wipe the glass door with a hand towel until it shines.
- Get out of the shower, dry yourself with towel the size of a small country and wrap hair in second super absorbent towel.
- Check face for remotest sign of hair, pluck a couple of rogue eyebrow hairs, check skin for horrifying anomalies such as age spots. Mentally compare yourself with that horrible woman at School Canteen. She’s got great boobs, but yours are natural….(hey down there!…a bit too far down there…) and you don’t have age spots…yet. Wipe up stray splash off the vanity and return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
- Spend half an hour getting dressed, putting super eye cream on, makeup and drying hair noting that a visit to the hairdresser is due, since you can see 1cm of regrowth. Replace damp towels, straight, so they dry, in the bathroom.
- Take clothes off while sitting on edge of the bed, kick shoes off and don’t worry about the one that went under the bed. Leave clothes in a pile on the floor, as if an alien has beamed you out of them. Leave the light on.
- Don’t think about who might be in the house, (it’s your house, right?) just leave the light on and walk, bollicky, past open windows and blinds and don’t let it worry you. (If you’re the boyfriend and you see your partner along the way, shake your wiener at her and make the ‘wooo hoooo’ sound). Ignore the banging open screen door. Go to the bathroom.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your guts to see if you have abs. No. Decide that’s OK because you gotta enjoy yourself sometime, right? Should get some more of that chilli beef jerky. That puts on muscle.
- Admire the size of your…………..biceps in the mirror and scratch your bum. Then scratch your chin. Do a body-building style Side Chest Flex Pose. Chuckle to yourself.
- Turn the shower on, super hot. Forget the fan. Don’t even think about the steam. Look at the plug hole to see if water really goes down anticlockwise in the southern hemisphere. Huh…clockwise. Stand there for 3 minutes wondering if you should call Mythbusters.
- Don’t bother to look for the washcloth, you don’t use one.
- Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Then open the window because it was a bit ripe….not because of the steam building up like Pompeii on a bad night.
- Use the cake soap in your hand, wash your armpits. Then your face. Wince…then growl when you get soap in your eyes, rub them and make it worse… Swear, hard and long, like Hillary Clinton on election night. F-ing soap. Bloody not going to use it next time.
- Spend most of the time washing your privates, wash your butt and leave a coarse hair or two on the soap bar. Don’t notice. Use your wife’s/girlfriend’s white bathroom loofah to get that itchy bit on your back. Leave hairs in it. Don’t notice.
- Shampoo your hair, being REEEAAAALLY careful not to get it in your red sandpaper eyes. Don’t use the conditioner. Bump the glass door with your elbow while making a Shampoo Mohawk. Don’t worry about the runnels of water pouring off the door onto the floor (the mat is over near the weight scales). Peek out of the door to look at your mohawk in the mirror and chuckle again. Leave the door ajar, dripping copiously.
- Rinse off spraying more water around and get out of the shower. Don’t worry about the mat.
- Pull a towel off the rack bringing another towel and a hand towel with it, allowing the to drop onto the floor. Don’t notice. Leave them there. Partially dry off, mostly your hair.
- Draw a penis on the mirror in the steam. Chuckle. Then wipe a small circle of steam off to check on the status of your whiskers. Admire your excellent manly growth. Remind yourself how clever you are not having to buy razors when you can just shave using your wife’s/girlfriend’s/ mum’s razor.
- Look at your muscles in the mirror again. Leave the shower door open. Leave the bathroom light on. Don’t worry about the steam.
- Put the towel loosely around your waist and saunter up the hall looking at Utilities on carsales.com.au on your ipad.
- If you see wife/girlfriend go up and give her a hug with hip action. Don’t worry that you’re wet.
- Throw the wet towel on the bed, run your fingers through your hair and take 37 seconds to get dressed again, use the same shorts.
Well, I laughed at the time. And I’m laughing now. Some of it is a bit close to the truth!!!
I don’t know who wrote the original post, some of which is still ‘within’ this update. It appears to be an oldish facebook post. Well, whoever wrote the original….kudos.
Here’s a copy of the original , thanks Tickld.