That moment when you would LOVE a Florida-style sink hole to open up under your feet and swallow you into the bowels of the earth. Your most embarrassing moments CRINGE~~~~!!
So we’ve all experienced situations where life hasn’t gone our way…or should I say ‘WE haven’t gone life’s way!!! ‘.
I just should have seen it coming……
There was the very un-funny time I had to deal with my little son’s toilet training. Children can be a source of the most excruitatingly embarassing situations. The things they say, the things they do…. but this event…I could have just cried. I think I did.
It was a balmy evening. I was on the deck playing with my two year old. He was in the nuddy as it was hot, and fairly private and we’d been trying to persuade him to use his potty. As young parents and with a mortgage we rented out our ‘downstairs’ to get more money in. Our young lady tenant was having a glam night out with some girlfriends. They were gathered out the front of ‘the flat’, which was just below our deck, for pre-drinks and we were just out of their sight. They were dressed to the nines, in heels, sparkling dresses, curls and a glass of champagne each. What a beautiful evening, the sun set was divine. ……until I suddenly noticed my son making his way towards the edge with his hips thrust jauntily forward. I knew what that meant.
Oh God. Oh goddogoddo god!!!
I LAUNCHED myself about 5 metres through mid air, hand outstretched…..but NOT in time to prevent the mainstream of the golden shower that descended in a pretty, but very unfunny, arc over the girls below. That moment when you hope against hope that no one noticed….the PISS in their hair.
They look up, mildly confused at the sudden sprinkle from a clear evening sky, to see me…with a dripping handful of urine as a circuit breaker in front of the child’s willy, and my absolutely horrified face next to his matter-of-fact one peering out over the edge.
There are no words to express my absolute mortification. They squealed and put their hands up to their beautifully sprayed hair with droplets of wee twinkling in their coiffures and on their patent leather heels. A few of the group escaped the septic spray, but most had to go wash themselves down. Oh my. Kill me now.
Some embarrassing moments are just stupidity –
One time I was working in the office at a local Golf Club. It was quite elite. Occasionally I had to page someone to the telephone, since there were no mobile phones in those days. This time I had to page Mr. Ken King as his wife had rung to talk to him. I remarked to my girlfriend and officemate that it would be funny if his nickname was King Kong (God, that’s so not funny, you bloody idiotic 19 year old) and damn it, psychological suggestion is a terrible thing. I did. I paged Mr. King Kong to the telephone. I could have died right there with the microphone in hand. The minute I said it, I heard the people in the Spike Bar downstairs go silent for a second or two before absolutely cracking up. They cacked themselves. The worst part was that Mrs Kong…I mean King, was still on the phone. I lied and said he was not in off the 9th Green yet. I was too chicken to repage his name. Later I did it again, gave him the message to call her….enun..ci..at..ing every..thing…ve-ry care-fully … Mis-ter KEN …..KING! to the telephone please.
….and some are pure accidents, unforeseen catastrophes that the universe designs specifically to test your mettle. The universe then sits back and cacks itself while you crap your own pants trying to work out how to extricate yourself from the situation you’ve created.
Like the time I was very late to my good friend’s barbeque party having had to feed my brand new baby beforehand. I rocked up late, starving hungry as most new mums are, and I assumed the table was just about cleaned off…being that there was only one bowl of food left on it. Or so I thought. I’m so stupid. I polished off, oh, probably a quarter of the most delicious chicken wings I’d ever tasted (You’re agreat cook Marion) when I suddenly realised she was still bringing things out. The other 20 or 30 people hadn’t even had a look-in yet!! I could have died right there on the spot, except my son would have been left without a mother. So I put my head in my hands and tried to lower my blood pressure before going to apologise to the Lady of the House. She was graceful as usual, never having even said a word about me stuffing my face, hand over fist, pushing barbeque chicken into my gob. I, on the other hand, have never forgotten it. What a pig. What an absolute idiot.
….and some are just funny. They may not have been then, but they are now.
I had a date. It was kind of unexpected, but one of my teen crushes was on the beach and asked me if I wanted to go with him, just as a friend, to the cricket at the Sydney Cricket Ground. He had a proper ‘seat’, it wasn’t just on the Hill. I was pretty pleased with this suggestion, thinking I could probably crank up the charm and who knows….
So he picked me up a couple of hours later and we made our way to our seat in the stands. Like a gentleman he bought me a drink. Just a can of fizzy, as we were only teenagers. After I opened it, I was delighted when he produced a straw – what a man! I put it in the drink. I smiled widely and continued to bat eyelashes while taking my first sip – misjudging the whereabouts of the straw which went straight up one nostril! Shocked, and with the dreamboat looking on, I lowered the can of drink expecting the offending straw to exit the orifice, only to be foiled again when it stayed in it’s vertical nasal position. Oh God. Beam me up Scotty. I reached up and pulled it out…then of course hesitated to put the straw back in my drink…eeewww., so put the dripping thing in my handbag, trying to look as sexy as I could while thinking of Vinnie Barbarino’s ‘up your nose with a rubber hose’…quote.
“Just look at the game,” I thought to myself. “Be witty and charming, he’ll forget about it.” I put the offending soda can near my feet……which I prompty kicked off into the lady-in-front’s handbag. ‘Glug…glug…glug…’ it emptied before I could attempt to reach in, pickpocket-like, to steal it back out.
My date’s mouth was puckered into a disbelieving hmmmm….and we moved seats. Quickly.
I never did go on a date with him again. Hello Mark, wherever you are. Sorry!
Well, never let it be said that life was boring. Is it just me or…??
sinkhole – CNN
Ron Weasley – Harry Potter by JK Rowling.
For another diabolical cringe moment – read my post DON’T hide the baby!!