Far King of the Road.

What gives you the right to take up more than your share of the road?  Why do YOU think having your two driver’s side wheels over the centre line is OK?  This bloody business of road-hogging is seriously getting on my goat. I could sit up the top of the main road in my suburb and count dozens of ‘offenders’ every hour.  Both Men and Women, young and old.  Today it happened again.  I was driving home, minding my own business, concentrating on the approaching school for wagging primary schoolers, when I notice way down the hill another vehicle driving up the road toward me with their wheels a good 60cm over the centre line.  It was you, in your bloody 4WD. (oh, btw, I like 4WDs, just not Yours!)

Now I’m all for sharing, but not for giving stuff away for no reason.  I may be silly, but I’m not stupid, and I know that I have a right to half the road.  I’m just not a ‘give the shirt off my back’ kind of girl.  You wouldn’t like the view anyway.

So, I’m thinking, “I’m in my lane, I’m good.”  (I really am, I’m basically a pretty good gal).
I squinch up my face a little as you get closer, about  150m.  You’re not moving over.  You have a few cars parked on your side of the road….but so do I.   The gap they leave is big enough to sail the Queen Mary through, and I have no trouble manoeuvring MY SUV through the gap without going anywhere NEAR the middle lines.

You seem to though.  Have trouble that is.  You leave two full metres between your car and the ones parked to your right.   Like you think they’re going to blow up or something.  The problem is, you’re squeezing my formerly normal sized lane into a shadow of it’s former self…a two-thirds of a lane.
I’m past my parked cars now, only 50 metres away, I’m still driving squarely in my own lane.   But sadly for me, you are not.  You’re continuing to Lane Ride all the way up the hill and as you approach,  I’m reminded of Sylvester the Cat trying to squeeze through something veerrry veeery tight to catch Tweetie, how he has to thin himself down to just a few pixels.   I realise, in time, that I can’t do a Sylvester- my car is, sadly, metal not photons,  so I jam on the brakes and you barrel by,  nary a care in the world.

No jaunty wave of thanks.
Not even a index finger bob.
Nothing.    No indication whatsoever that you’ve almost caused a combined 120kmph head on collision with possibly fatal consequences.

OH! I forgot.  You’re the Far King of the Far King ROAD!

Oh, you’ll give lots of reasons:

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”  Too right you weren’t thinking, moron.  Perhaps you should get your brain out of frigging neutral.

“You can still get past.”  Yeah. After I put MY foot on the brake to let YOU past so you don’t collect me on the way down!

“There was a car parked on my side of the road and I had to go around him.”   Oh. Boo-friggin’- Hoo Princess.   Last time I looked the rules they said YOU stop for cars parked on YOUR side, until I go past, and THEN you can move around them.

“It’s only a quiet road.”  Not so quiet when you’re roaring up going 70kmph in a 50 zone and I’m trying to drive the opposite direction.

“You were a long way off.”   Uh huh.  So that’s why you stayed where you were, playing chicken with the centre line, forcing me to squeeze into the 2/3 of my lane that I had left.

“It was a corner.”  OH! a CORNER!  That explains everything.  Not.  Definition CORNER:  a straight line WITH A BEND IN IT!!!!  You’re supposed to drive around corners, not through them. (Seriously, are you one corner short of a freaking square?) 

Then there’s the classic “My dick, sorry, CAR was bigger than your car and took up more space.”  Right, so now they should be designing roads especially to accommodate you and your massively ridiculously sized 4WD SUV / Truck / Ute / Soccer Trolley?

That funny sticking up thing next to the accelerator is called a Brake.  It’s so you don’t BREAK your car, or mine.  It’s quite handy.  It slows you down.  Like, …less than fast.  It’s good for when you need to be safe.  Like…. when there are two cars heading for the same narrow gap.

Honestly, I must have gotten MY driver’s licence out of the wrong kind of cornflake packet. :/


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